This book…I have never in all my days, started a book being so violently angry with a character and by the end of it come to feel such love for them. Nesta, changed me. I started out being so annoyed at her and the way she chose to handle her pain. And at the end, on page whopping 750, I had found so much of myself in her faults and in her victories.
It was hard at first to stand on the sidelines of Rhys and Feyre’s life, and the shift of pov took some time to get used to. But, I grew to enjoy the view I had of Nesta and Cass. I like that I wasn’t reading Rhys and Feyre’s love story over again simply with different characters. These two are so vastly different and had a journey all their own, that was so special and separate. And watching their affection for one another turn from witty bickering, to buried emotions, to secret affairs “and nothing more”, to a true friendship built upon understanding of one another and acceptance, to a love that is a product of all the things listed above, honestly brought me to tears.
Now, before I really get into Nes and Cass's romance, let's talk about the real love story here... the valkyries. Those three women completely embody the beauty and the complexity of female friendships. I truly think that Nesta learned to love again, first from Gwyn and Emerie, and that allowed her to open her heart to Cassian. The way that these women push each other and lean on one another is something so rare and yet so real. Female friendship are their own little world of magic, and SJM perfectly displayed that in this book. Even though their friendship had a rocky start, and they all were reluctant to open up, the fact that they got to a place where they could trust each other with the stories of their pasts is so special. The fact that they can go from training for battle, to talking about past traumas, to have sleepovers is so reflective of how female friendships are in the real world too. This quote really just sums it all up, “I wish for us to have the courage to go out into the world when we are ready, but to always be able to find our way back to each other. No matter what.”
While it took a long journey for me to love Nesta, this book only strengthened what I’d felt for Cassian for a good long while. It confirmed and gave countless more pieces of evidence to what I knew to be true, he is so good, and just, and kind despite the things he has endured in life. I have such an intense affection for him, not only is he a hottie but a hottie with such a heart of gold. Nesta said it herself, he is just simply good. Cassian is so in awe of Nesta it makes me sick. He isn't afraid of her power, he revels in it. He truly sees her for all that she is, and loves and accepts every part of her. The moment when she says, "I still don't know how to fix myself", and he replies, "there is nothing broken to be fixed", locked that all into place for me, and truly shows how deeply he cares for her.
Nesta, my girl for real. She truly emulates the eldest daughter experience. SJM did such a great job of displaying the fears and pressured responsibilities of being and eldest daughter. Once I realized how much I related to her, the way I viewed her story completely changed. Her anger and her resentment towards everyone stems from her feeling like she failed. She isolates and turns inward to try and deal with her trauma, both from being tossed into the world of the fae and her childhood. But when it becomes too much to handle on her own, rather than reaching out for help, she lashes out. She feel as if asking for help is admitting defeat, another classic characteristic of an eldest child. Hence the quote, "keep reaching out your hand", because Nesta eventually faced the fact that needing people is not a weakness, and when she reached out her hand Cassian was right there.
The way that Cassian's life has literally prepared him to love Nesta, will never cease to leave me speechless. The scene where she puts on the mask and becomes death, and SJM writes, "Death watched him. But death had walked beside him everyday of his life. So Cassian stroked his thumb along her palm and said, "Hello Nes"", shook me to my core. He has faced death countless times throughout long life time of being a warrior. So when the woman he loves, became death incarnate, he looked at her with familiarity and acceptance. He saw her, and was not afraid, he saw death and welcomed it like a friend.
A few stand out scenes for me... Nesta crying at the lake. The line, "...as he held her by the lake...", I need that tattooed on my brain. The picture of them holding one another by the lake in comparison to them holding each other in the midst of battle, I was screaming. Also, Nesta terrifying Tamlin really had me rolling, and her standing up for Cassian made my heart ache. It hurts her so deeply how people speak to Cass, and I think that is when I knew she loved him. Them together in the prison, when she tells him that he's her friend, I love love love an enemies, to friends, to lovers trope, it gets me everytime.
The last few chapters, had me sobbing and gasping for air, I wish I was exaggerating. The scene of Feyre giving birth... I think was the most I have cried from a book since Augustus Waters died in The Fault in Our Stars. The image of Rhys crying over her body and begging Nesta to save her, is seared in my brain. Feyre and Nesta and Elaine coming back together and repairing their relationship was honestly the best ending for me. Having sisters is one of the hardest and most rewarding experiences, and once again SJM perfectly mimicked this within the world she created. While this isn’t the last of the acotar series, I know sjm has much more in store for us, this is the end of my 5 month straight read of the series so far, and what a glorious end it is.
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